HOPE

“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

- Emily Dickinson

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all - oh, how well I remember - the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope.

Lamentations 3:19-26

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

The Shawshank Redemption

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

Tupac Shakur

(Source: drunkshiplantern)

vauge attempts

Suspended

I find myself in the middle - somewhat elevated -
[I’ve been here for a while]
I left someone who was in the middle - somewhat elevated -
It felt [oddly] hypocritical to demand direction
when I am also suspended
invisibly held back from
p r o g r e s s i o n

I could not wait around to scratch off
another number on my lotto ticket
with the vague hope of a win
because I’ve been tricked by hope before

deleting digital pictures feels less gratifying
than throwing an old box of keepsakes
out the window on a deserted highway
but they say oil and water are an un-blendable combination
and I’m unfairly angry at blendable people

it’s not you who kept me suspended
but I hoped you would push me forward

instead I’m still in the middle - somewhat elevated -
inexplicably

immobile.

Remembering…

Highway 51 (Jenny)

“Riding along in my beaten navy Lumina,
Left side view mirror dangling 
And scraping the car door on the highway.

Music blares from worn out speakers.
Smoking into the wind, ashes flicked in time
With the music to - woe is me – tracks.
Living in my dreams, the best way to live,
Ignoring all the emptiness and business.

I fell in love with the man I met last night.
We’re close to marriage in my mind, 
One conversation sealed the deal.
And tonight - I’m a rock star
Harmonizing to Tori Amos
After being silent all these years.

I think I left myself back on the road
Years ago, just flew out my window,
And I’m waiting for everyone to figure me out -
Try and piece me together like humpty dumpy.
I think my great fall hit at the same time as puberty,
If he was a lost cause maybe I am too.

Perhaps I can attract some attention from a prince.
He can ride in my car with me, and then we’ll get married.
Call it fate or destiny, my frog turned price.
I kissed him right on his big mouth where the dead fly residue remains.
Our kids can be tadpoles and then frogs - that might be neat.
And we can all be democrats and save America from poverty.

Wake up America and become democrats, damn republicans
Stealing my air, sucking the life out of my body.
Let’s go march to the court house and hold up signs that say:
‘Hey, you’re all going to hell and on the way down let’s stop abortion!’”

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Stanford happiness class proves popular, helpful

“Fred Luskin, instructor of the Stanford happiness class, said that the simplest definition of happiness is ‘wanting what you have.’ Conversely, the simplest definition of stress is ‘wanting something to be different.’”

Medication

There is some universal shame associated with mental health medications. The belief is that they imply instability, weakness and a general inability to cope with life unassisted. Until I began taking medication I believed all these things, and to some degree I still do. I greatly anticipated the day I would no longer have to take medication. I thought that the end of my unhealthy relationship and a re-balancing of myself with God would enable me to no longer “need” medication. And I did stop having anxiety attacks and felt more stable than I had in a long time, peaceful even, but it did not remove the presence of lingering anxiety in my life. The possibility of me getting off medication is still very much on the table, but not right now apparently.

The thing is, I don’t even take a very strong medication, and it’s an anti-anxiety medication not an antidepressant, so I have never “not” felt like myself. I’ve just felt like a less manic version of myself, and on the scale of manic I’d say I’m pretty darn low in comparison to others with similar struggles. The ability for that low to become a high is what scares me. I think taking medication has led to some decrease in my creativity, because if we’re all being honest truly creative people tend to be a little manic, but otherwise I have not noticed significant negative side-effects.

What saddens me is the fact that my anxiety causes me to feel fractured. My dad refuses medication and I’ve watched him slowly worsen over the years, to the point where my mom now calls me to tell me how irritated she is with having to “deal with him.” Deep down, I’m afraid I deserve the same treatment. I feel like a burden to my closest friends and I do not share my struggles with my family. In a fit of anger my previous boyfriend told me that he was “sick of carrying my anxiety around with him for a year and a half.” I know that these are not truths, but often our emotions let us believe that we are the only ones flawed, and that our flaws keep us from being lovable. I find broken people the most lovable, perhaps because I can sympathize. 

Over the Rhine produced a beautiful record called The Long Surrender. The second to last track is titled “All My Favorite People” and contains a chorus that resonates with me. 

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me, my heart should know
Awful believers, skeptical dreamers, step forward
You can stay right here, you don’t have to go

"Let’s borrow life preservers and jump over. I think we should do something spectacular. I feel our lives have been too restrained."

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night

Writing requires action

My soul needs space to breathe. It needs to reconnect with it’s creator. Its been thirsting to reconnect but I’ve been fighting it because I’m stubborn and controlling and human. I want to find a strength and confidence that’s been misplaced. To find a focus I lost long ago for a paycheck and a list of tasks. I need to relearn to give myself grace. I need to stand in solidarity with my God. I need to remind myself to believe truth, to love others without expectation and to give selflessly. It is the details of daily life, I’ve found, that will capture you and drag you around. I need to ruthlessly trust God with all aspects of my life. I refuse to settle and to get caught in the negatives, i refuse to focus on me more than those around me. This is a hopeful vow with myself, and with my God.